In an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry gets a sandwich named after him at a delicatessen. To his dismay, it’s not a sandwich he would order. You have…two fish? What else in it? No condiments? Cream cheese….capers. Onions. To be fair, when veganized, it’s pretty pretty pretty pretty…..pretty good.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can see if Ted Danson will switch with us.

The Vegan Larry David Sandwich. It’s not herring, okay? It’s not whitefish and sable either to be fair. You don’t like capers? Just brush em off.

THE VEGAN LARRY DAVID

prep time: 40 minutes
cook time: 15 minutes

Instead of ordering a Ted Danson, people go and order a Larry David! Whats the difference?

So on the show, the sandwich is made up of smoked sable, whitefish, cream cheese, onion and capers. All of which on a toasted bagel. Fortunately a couple of those items are vegan right off the shelf. For this recipe, you will use ribboned carrots in place of sable and your whitefish salad will be a much more palatable jackfruit salad.

To start, let’s get those red onions pickled. This will let your onions bask in the flavor until they are ready to use. Same goes for the jackfruit salad part. That will come after the onions.

What you’ll need:

red onion
apple cider vinegar
salt
sugar
coriander seed (optional)
pepper (also optional)

First, cut up your onions into rings like so. Then in a saucepan, add two cups of apple cider vinegar and a half cup of water. Throw a little less than a cup of sugar in there and then a bunch of salt. Bring it up to a boil and stir it up so your sugar and salt dissolve. Once it’s up to a boil, turn the flame off and let it cool. Put your onions in a mason jar and then add your coriander and pepper to your concoction. Add your concoction right into the jar and leave it on the counter for like 20 minutes. It’ll go in the fridge after that.

Here is that dirty water you ordered! Don’t mind the char on the side there, that’s some a previous project.

Next order of business is putting together your jackfruit salad. This can be used in place of tuna and it works pretty well for chicken salad too. The biggest difference the addition of liquid smoke to the salad.

What you’ll need:

jackfruit (canned)
red onion
celery
mayo
mustard
salt
pepper
old bay
smoked paprika
garlic powder
liquid smoke
dill
lemon (half)

Open the can of jackfruit and drain the liquid out. Put it in a strainer and rinse them thangs off. Put them in a towel and squeeze all the liquid out of them. Shred them up in the towel and then transfer to a bowl. Add salt.

Your situation should be somewhat similar to this.

Next you are going to spice the ever loving shit out of your jackfruit. The goal is to make it into a fishy fishy like salad. Add a few tablespoons of smoked paprika and old bay. Those two are the star of the show here. Then add garlic powder, salt, pepper and then a little more old bay. Next add a couple teaspoons of dill. Zest half a lemon in there and then add half of the juice of that same lemon.

THEN, add a generous squirt of mustard. I used stone ground, as long as you don’t use yellow, you’ll be fine. Next add a heaping amount of mayo to the bowl. Half a cup or so. If it needs more, add more.

Give all of that a good stir. Next you’re going to add finely diced red onion and celery. So finely dice some red onion and celery and add that in there. Here comes another picture!

Once your jackfruit salad looks like jackfruit salad, cover it and put it in the fridge. Now you have pickled red onion and a jackfruit salad in the fridge. The next part of the recipe is the “smoked sable.” For this, you are going to ribbon some carrots, add a bunch of seasoning and bake them at a low temperature.

What you’ll need:

carrots
olive oil
salt
pepper
old bay
dill
liquid smoke
lemon (the other half)

Peel a bunch of carrots. I used four. Instead of chopping them once they’re peeled, you’re just going to keep peeling them and those edible peelings will function as your sable. Works as a lox too. Get out a baking sheet and preheat your oven to a mere 200°.

Add some oil to the baking sheet and wipe it around the sheet with a paper towel. Lay all the carrots down on there and add salt, pepper, dill, old bay, liquid smoke and the juice of the half lemon you have left. Move everything around so everything is equally distributed.

They look just like fish! Throw them back!

Pop your baking sheet in the oven for 15 minutes. Once those 15 minutes go by, you can transfer them to a container to put in the freezer. Not to freeze, but to get colder quicker. Everything on this sandwich is cold except for the bagel itself.

Now you can get out your capers, bagels and (vegan) cream cheese. Toast the bagels and then spread cream cheese on them. Add capers right onto the cream cheese. Get the pickled onion and jackfruit salad out of the fridge. Grab the carrots too.

Add your pickled onion to the bagel as well as your jackfruit and carrot.

Here’s what you are working with. I know.

Now your sandwich is complete. I hope you also think it is pretty pretty pretty good. There’s no way to make that cross section look nice, forgive me.

I added a few more capers and now it looks like a face!

Nashville Hot Tofu 2.0

January 09, 2020 by Joe Hehl

Nashville Hot Tofu. It was the first recipe I published on here. How time flies. Many of these sandwiches later and now I’m bringing you a revamped, improved version of my first ever DTTG recipe.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can talk about our mutual love of cayenne pepper.

Nashville Hot Tofu. They’re tears of joy I promise.

NASHVILLE HOT TOFU 2.0

prep time: 20 minutes
cook time: 40 minutes

“That’s hot.” - Paris Hilton

The most important part about this recipe is the spice mix. You can adjust the cayenne to your liking but it is certainly going to be spicy. The kale has cayenne in it too. We will start with the spices and the batter.

What you’ll need:

extra firm tofu
salt
pepper
nutmeg
cayenne
garlic powder
onion powder
smoked paprika
cumin
thyme (fresh or dried)
brown sugar
butter
apple cider vinegar
soy milk (or almond)
frank’s red hot sauce

Not pictured: brown sugar. These will make up your spice mix.

First, grab a bowl. A roomy bowl. Add all of these spices into it. Go heavy on the garlic and onion powder. Then go really heavy on the cayenne. At least four or five tablespoons I’m talking. Then after that, throw a heaping scoop of brown sugar in there too and give everything a good stir.

If you are using fresh thyme, remove the leaves from the sprigs and add those too.

Give it a taste and see if it needs more cayenne, garlic powder or brown sugar. It’s gonna be hot but also sweet.

Next, take your extra firm tofu and press the liquid out of it. Wrap it in paper towels and throw a couple cast irons on it. You want it to flatten out nicely too.

These are the extra firm sprouted tofus from Trader Joe’s, pressed. I recommend them.

Now preheat your oven to 400° and put on that Juvenile album. Next you’re going to put your batter together. It’s going to be sorta buttermilky but with a few alterations.

Melt down a little butter in a bowl. Then add soy milk to the bowl along with a generous splash of apple cider vinegar. Toss a tablespoon or so of Frank’s into the bowl and a few dashes of cayenne.

This will function as your buttermilk/batter thing. Let it sit for a second.

Get out a baking sheet and put a little oil on it. Have that ready because you’re going to batter your tofu and then throw it in the spice mix and place it on the baking sheet.

Coat each thing of tofu in batter and let the excess drip off so you don’t get your spice mix soggy and weird. Dredge your wet tofu in the spice mix and coat as thoroughly as possible. Do this for all the tofu you have.

Pop them into the oven and set a timer for 20 minutes to check on them. While those are cooking, you can get the rest of your sandwich components ready. Typically, Nashville Hot whatever is served on white bread. You can do that or use whatever bread you wanna use. I used a toasted pretzel roll.

What you’ll need:

bread
olive oil
kale
sandwich pickles
mayo
maple syrup
cayenne
red onion

In a pan, heat up some olive oil and toss a bunch of kale in there. Once it starts to cook, add maple syrup and cayenne pepper right onto the kale. Once it’s cooked, set it aside. Take your buns and toast them right in the same pan, if you use buns of course. Cut up some red onions and open up that jar of sandwich pickles.

I do equal parts maple and cayenne but adjust how you deem fit.

Check the status of your tofu in the oven. The texture should be somewhat crisp on the outside but the whole tofu itself should be moderately spongy. Flip your tofu and cook it for another 10 minutes, followed by a quick 1-2 minute broil. This will add a little char to your outer layer.

Once your tofu is ready, throw some mayo on your bread with pickles and red onion. Add your tofu and then top with the maple-cayenne kale. Don’t burn your mouth off.

Seitan Beefless Bulgogi

January 07, 2020 by Joe Hehl

Seitan Bulgogi is pretty much a take on Korean Beef. It’s tangy, savory and delicious. Slice the seitan into strips, marinate it, throw it in a hot pan and serve it over rice. Voila.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and you can ask me where the beef is.

Seitan Bulgogi. It’s very fun to say and twice as fun to make.

SEITAN BEEFLESS BULGOGI

prep time: 20 minutes
cook time: 35 minutes

Say it. Bulgogi.

The first part of this recipe will be putting together your marinade. Then will come the rice and then cooking the seitan.

What you’ll need:

seitan
sesame oil
apple (or pear)
rice vinegar
garlic
gochujang
molasses
coconut aminos (or soy sauce/tamari)
liquid smoke
brown sugar
salt
pepper
white rice
olive oil
sesame seeds
green onion (or scallions)

Not pictured: brown sugar, apple, salt and pepper.

First, chop up some garlic and throw it into a bowl. Slice up an apple and throw that in there too. Pear if you have pear. Add about a third of a cup of coconut aminos/soy sauce into the bowl. Then add liquid smoke, sesame oil, and gochujang. About a little less than a tablespoon of each. Pour a healthy splat of molasses into there too. The molasses will give the seitan an underlying sweetness and add color as well. Add a heaping couple tablespoons of brown sugar into the bowl and mix all of that up. Add salt and pepper.

Transfer all the contents to a blender and pulse until smooth. Next you can slice up your seitan.

This stuff wasn’t exactly easy to slice out evenly so until I learn how to make seitan, you’re going to have to deal with it.

Next, take those super uneven seitan slices and throw them in a ziplock bag. Then pour your marinade in there too and let out the excess air. Stick that baby in the fridge and clean up that mess you just made. Marinade the seitan for at least an hour. An hour and a half is where I landed. Time to make rice!

Get out your white rice and make as much of it as you want to have. Just remember to salt your water! Add a little bit of olive oil to your rice so it doesn’t stick to the pot.

Next, assuming an hour and some has gone by, put some olive oil in a cast iron (or regular pan) and bring the heat up high. Get your seitan out of the fridge and remove the pieces with tongs and put them in a bowl so your marinade is now separate from the seitan.

This next part will require you to move quickly because you will be searing the absolute shit out of your seitan.

When your pan is hot, add your seitan strips in and they will start sizzling right off the bat. Let them cook out before moving them around so nothing gets messed up. Add a little bit of marinade periodically onto the seitan and it will reduce and cook out, ensuring you end up with delicious, sticky seitan.

The marinade will reduce fairly quickly, so keep an eye on it.

Once your seitan is all cooked, give that first bowl a wipe and throw them back in there to rest for a second. Get your rice ready and add your cooked seitan directly onto the rice. Cut up some green onion and top your seitan with sesame seeds and that green onion. You did it!

Vegan Monte Cristo

January 02, 2020 by Joe Hehl

And now for something different: Monte Cristo, the holy grail of sandwiches? Perhaps. It’s sweet, savory and I don’t quite understand how it comes together as well as it does. It’s pretty much a French toast sandwich with ham, cheese, mayo and mustard…then it’s dusted with powdered sugar and served with jam.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can talk about the meaning of life. And sandwiches.

The Vegan Monte Cristo. It’s like a bougie ham and cheese sandwich without ham and cheese. Also a fun way to use Just Egg!

THE VEGAN
MONTE CRISTO

prep time: 10 minutes
cook time: 15 minutes

I still can’t think of a way to incorporate the phrase “flying circus” into this.

What you’ll need:

just egg
vegan butter
vegan ham
vegan cheese
vegan powdered sugar
vegan jam
vegan mayo
vegan mustard
vegan sandwich bread

Here’s a quick look at just about everything in the recipe. Not pictured: powdered sugar and jam.

First, it’s funny because I said vegan so many times instead of just relying on the implication. Take a container of Just Egg and give it a good shake and put it in a bowl. A bowl that a slice of bread can fit into comfortably. Next grab your ham and cheese slices and give those a shake too. Just kidding. Take a few slices of the ham/whatever and layer it one by one with slices of cheese. I used ham - cheese - ham - cheese - ham.

Next, mix up one part mustard to two parts mayo and set it aside for now. Heat up some butter in a pan on a medium flame and get your sandwich bread ready. You’re going to dredge the bread (quickly) in your Just Egg and then toss it in the pan a la French toast. Don’t keep the flame too high or your Just Egg will solidify in the pan. Also someone from Just, please sponsor me.

Cook it on each side, but don’t overcook it because it’s going back in the pan after a few more steps. Do this for as many sandwiches as you plan on making. I made two, so that’s four slices! Wow! Once you have your bread all French toasted up, let them rest for a quick second and then add your mayo/mustard mixture onto the inside of one slice. Add your ham and cheese layer and then the other bread. I just explained to you how to assemble a sandwich.

Here’s what the bread looks like once it’s out of the pan.

Next, you’re treating this as if it’s a grilled cheese. If you have a panini press, use that. You can use the same pan too if you’d like. I used a cast iron griddle and it worked great. Turn the flame to a medium setting and let the pan get to temperature. A trick I picked up from my girlfriend is to put a lid on the pan while your sandwich is cooking to help insure that the cheese melts properly. Thanks, Michelle.

It helps melt the cheese and now it looks like your sandwich is in a flying saucer!

Add a little bit of butter here and there into the pan while each side of the sandwich cooks. Flip it and keep doing it until everything looks properly cooked.

Plus you get those sexy lines if you use a press/griddle pan!

Once your sandwiches are all cooked. Sprinkle some powdered sugar on there and serve with a side of jam.

Look at that staging! I’d better get at least 20 likes on instagram. Incredible!

Now enjoy your bastard French toast grilled cheese!

Tomato Bisque

January 02, 2020 by Joe Hehl

Tomato bisque is like tomato soup but sounds fancier. Also there’s Oatly in this recipe so someone get me that Oatly sponsorship.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can talk about tomatoes and Oatly.

Tomato Bisque. Way fancier than tomato soup.

TOMATO BISQUE

prep time: 15 minutes
cook time: 35 minutes

This recipe is perfect for when you realize you bought way too many fucking tomatoes.

What you’ll need:

red onion (or shallot)
garlic
olive oil
tomatoes (five of them….or a can of tomatoes)
tomato paste
vegan creamer
carrots
baby bella mushrooms
salt
pepper
red pepper flakes
bay leaf
fresh thyme
oregano
parsley
oat flour
vegetable broth

First, dice up half a red onion. You can use a shallot if for some reason you have a shallot and no onion. Dice up some garlic too. Then dice up a bunch of mushrooms. Then peel like three or four carrots and dice those into small chunks too.

Decided to cut one more carrot up last minute!

I cut up way too many. Don’t use this many mushrooms for the love of god.

Heat up some olive oil in a pot on a medium flame. Add your onion (or shallot) and garlic into the pot, stirring to ensure nothing burns. Add your diced mushroom and carrot into the pot too. Add a little extra olive oil if need be. Add salt and pepper.

Add two tablespoons of tomato paste into the pot and stir.

Cut up your five tomatoes into quarters and add them into the pot too. Use a wooden spoon or something to help break them down as they cook. Bring the flame up a little bit and stir. You can used canned tomatoes as an alternative. Also I didn’t take pictures of this part, oops.

I like these guys. Use like half the container if you go this route.

Now that your tomatoes are all broken down and your pot looks like it could be a base for soup, transfer all the contents into a blender and pulse until smooth. Add the contents of your blender back into the pot and sieve 1/3 or so of a cup of oat flour into the pot. Keep stirring.

Add 32 ounces of vegetable broth into the pot and add a few sprigs of thyme and a bay leaf to your new liquid concoction. Add salt, pepper, red pepper flakes and oregano. Bring your pot to a boil. Once it starts bubbling, throw a lid on it and drop the flame so the soup can simmer until it gets real thicc.

While your soup is simmering, make yourself a grilled cheese. If you want. I used Violife provolone slices but I’m not gonna tell you how to make a grilled cheese.

Let your soup simmer for like twenty minutes and then throw some in a bowl for yourself. Don’t eat the thyme or bay leaf. Unless you really want to I guess. Add a little Oatly right into your bowl and top with some parsley because it looks nice. Also be sure to wash your parsley.

I couldn’t get the Oatly to do that cool white swirly thing but you feel me.