In an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry gets a sandwich named after him at a delicatessen. To his dismay, it’s not a sandwich he would order. You have…two fish? What else in it? No condiments? Cream cheese….capers. Onions. To be fair, when veganized, it’s pretty pretty pretty pretty…..pretty good.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can see if Ted Danson will switch with us.

The Vegan Larry David Sandwich. It’s not herring, okay? It’s not whitefish and sable either to be fair. You don’t like capers? Just brush em off.

THE VEGAN LARRY DAVID

prep time: 40 minutes
cook time: 15 minutes

Instead of ordering a Ted Danson, people go and order a Larry David! Whats the difference?

So on the show, the sandwich is made up of smoked sable, whitefish, cream cheese, onion and capers. All of which on a toasted bagel. Fortunately a couple of those items are vegan right off the shelf. For this recipe, you will use ribboned carrots in place of sable and your whitefish salad will be a much more palatable jackfruit salad.

To start, let’s get those red onions pickled. This will let your onions bask in the flavor until they are ready to use. Same goes for the jackfruit salad part. That will come after the onions.

What you’ll need:

red onion
apple cider vinegar
salt
sugar
coriander seed (optional)
pepper (also optional)

First, cut up your onions into rings like so. Then in a saucepan, add two cups of apple cider vinegar and a half cup of water. Throw a little less than a cup of sugar in there and then a bunch of salt. Bring it up to a boil and stir it up so your sugar and salt dissolve. Once it’s up to a boil, turn the flame off and let it cool. Put your onions in a mason jar and then add your coriander and pepper to your concoction. Add your concoction right into the jar and leave it on the counter for like 20 minutes. It’ll go in the fridge after that.

Here is that dirty water you ordered! Don’t mind the char on the side there, that’s some a previous project.

Next order of business is putting together your jackfruit salad. This can be used in place of tuna and it works pretty well for chicken salad too. The biggest difference the addition of liquid smoke to the salad.

What you’ll need:

jackfruit (canned)
red onion
celery
mayo
mustard
salt
pepper
old bay
smoked paprika
garlic powder
liquid smoke
dill
lemon (half)

Open the can of jackfruit and drain the liquid out. Put it in a strainer and rinse them thangs off. Put them in a towel and squeeze all the liquid out of them. Shred them up in the towel and then transfer to a bowl. Add salt.

Your situation should be somewhat similar to this.

Next you are going to spice the ever loving shit out of your jackfruit. The goal is to make it into a fishy fishy like salad. Add a few tablespoons of smoked paprika and old bay. Those two are the star of the show here. Then add garlic powder, salt, pepper and then a little more old bay. Next add a couple teaspoons of dill. Zest half a lemon in there and then add half of the juice of that same lemon.

THEN, add a generous squirt of mustard. I used stone ground, as long as you don’t use yellow, you’ll be fine. Next add a heaping amount of mayo to the bowl. Half a cup or so. If it needs more, add more.

Give all of that a good stir. Next you’re going to add finely diced red onion and celery. So finely dice some red onion and celery and add that in there. Here comes another picture!

Once your jackfruit salad looks like jackfruit salad, cover it and put it in the fridge. Now you have pickled red onion and a jackfruit salad in the fridge. The next part of the recipe is the “smoked sable.” For this, you are going to ribbon some carrots, add a bunch of seasoning and bake them at a low temperature.

What you’ll need:

carrots
olive oil
salt
pepper
old bay
dill
liquid smoke
lemon (the other half)

Peel a bunch of carrots. I used four. Instead of chopping them once they’re peeled, you’re just going to keep peeling them and those edible peelings will function as your sable. Works as a lox too. Get out a baking sheet and preheat your oven to a mere 200°.

Add some oil to the baking sheet and wipe it around the sheet with a paper towel. Lay all the carrots down on there and add salt, pepper, dill, old bay, liquid smoke and the juice of the half lemon you have left. Move everything around so everything is equally distributed.

They look just like fish! Throw them back!

Pop your baking sheet in the oven for 15 minutes. Once those 15 minutes go by, you can transfer them to a container to put in the freezer. Not to freeze, but to get colder quicker. Everything on this sandwich is cold except for the bagel itself.

Now you can get out your capers, bagels and (vegan) cream cheese. Toast the bagels and then spread cream cheese on them. Add capers right onto the cream cheese. Get the pickled onion and jackfruit salad out of the fridge. Grab the carrots too.

Add your pickled onion to the bagel as well as your jackfruit and carrot.

Here’s what you are working with. I know.

Now your sandwich is complete. I hope you also think it is pretty pretty pretty good. There’s no way to make that cross section look nice, forgive me.

I added a few more capers and now it looks like a face!

Nashville Hot Tofu 2.0

January 09, 2020 by Joe Hehl

Nashville Hot Tofu. It was the first recipe I published on here. How time flies. Many of these sandwiches later and now I’m bringing you a revamped, improved version of my first ever DTTG recipe.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can talk about our mutual love of cayenne pepper.

Nashville Hot Tofu. They’re tears of joy I promise.

NASHVILLE HOT TOFU 2.0

prep time: 20 minutes
cook time: 40 minutes

“That’s hot.” - Paris Hilton

The most important part about this recipe is the spice mix. You can adjust the cayenne to your liking but it is certainly going to be spicy. The kale has cayenne in it too. We will start with the spices and the batter.

What you’ll need:

extra firm tofu
salt
pepper
nutmeg
cayenne
garlic powder
onion powder
smoked paprika
cumin
thyme (fresh or dried)
brown sugar
butter
apple cider vinegar
soy milk (or almond)
frank’s red hot sauce

Not pictured: brown sugar. These will make up your spice mix.

First, grab a bowl. A roomy bowl. Add all of these spices into it. Go heavy on the garlic and onion powder. Then go really heavy on the cayenne. At least four or five tablespoons I’m talking. Then after that, throw a heaping scoop of brown sugar in there too and give everything a good stir.

If you are using fresh thyme, remove the leaves from the sprigs and add those too.

Give it a taste and see if it needs more cayenne, garlic powder or brown sugar. It’s gonna be hot but also sweet.

Next, take your extra firm tofu and press the liquid out of it. Wrap it in paper towels and throw a couple cast irons on it. You want it to flatten out nicely too.

These are the extra firm sprouted tofus from Trader Joe’s, pressed. I recommend them.

Now preheat your oven to 400° and put on that Juvenile album. Next you’re going to put your batter together. It’s going to be sorta buttermilky but with a few alterations.

Melt down a little butter in a bowl. Then add soy milk to the bowl along with a generous splash of apple cider vinegar. Toss a tablespoon or so of Frank’s into the bowl and a few dashes of cayenne.

This will function as your buttermilk/batter thing. Let it sit for a second.

Get out a baking sheet and put a little oil on it. Have that ready because you’re going to batter your tofu and then throw it in the spice mix and place it on the baking sheet.

Coat each thing of tofu in batter and let the excess drip off so you don’t get your spice mix soggy and weird. Dredge your wet tofu in the spice mix and coat as thoroughly as possible. Do this for all the tofu you have.

Pop them into the oven and set a timer for 20 minutes to check on them. While those are cooking, you can get the rest of your sandwich components ready. Typically, Nashville Hot whatever is served on white bread. You can do that or use whatever bread you wanna use. I used a toasted pretzel roll.

What you’ll need:

bread
olive oil
kale
sandwich pickles
mayo
maple syrup
cayenne
red onion

In a pan, heat up some olive oil and toss a bunch of kale in there. Once it starts to cook, add maple syrup and cayenne pepper right onto the kale. Once it’s cooked, set it aside. Take your buns and toast them right in the same pan, if you use buns of course. Cut up some red onions and open up that jar of sandwich pickles.

I do equal parts maple and cayenne but adjust how you deem fit.

Check the status of your tofu in the oven. The texture should be somewhat crisp on the outside but the whole tofu itself should be moderately spongy. Flip your tofu and cook it for another 10 minutes, followed by a quick 1-2 minute broil. This will add a little char to your outer layer.

Once your tofu is ready, throw some mayo on your bread with pickles and red onion. Add your tofu and then top with the maple-cayenne kale. Don’t burn your mouth off.

Seitan Beefless Bulgogi

January 07, 2020 by Joe Hehl

Seitan Bulgogi is pretty much a take on Korean Beef. It’s tangy, savory and delicious. Slice the seitan into strips, marinate it, throw it in a hot pan and serve it over rice. Voila.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and you can ask me where the beef is.

Seitan Bulgogi. It’s very fun to say and twice as fun to make.

SEITAN BEEFLESS BULGOGI

prep time: 20 minutes
cook time: 35 minutes

Say it. Bulgogi.

The first part of this recipe will be putting together your marinade. Then will come the rice and then cooking the seitan.

What you’ll need:

seitan
sesame oil
apple (or pear)
rice vinegar
garlic
gochujang
molasses
coconut aminos (or soy sauce/tamari)
liquid smoke
brown sugar
salt
pepper
white rice
olive oil
sesame seeds
green onion (or scallions)

Not pictured: brown sugar, apple, salt and pepper.

First, chop up some garlic and throw it into a bowl. Slice up an apple and throw that in there too. Pear if you have pear. Add about a third of a cup of coconut aminos/soy sauce into the bowl. Then add liquid smoke, sesame oil, and gochujang. About a little less than a tablespoon of each. Pour a healthy splat of molasses into there too. The molasses will give the seitan an underlying sweetness and add color as well. Add a heaping couple tablespoons of brown sugar into the bowl and mix all of that up. Add salt and pepper.

Transfer all the contents to a blender and pulse until smooth. Next you can slice up your seitan.

This stuff wasn’t exactly easy to slice out evenly so until I learn how to make seitan, you’re going to have to deal with it.

Next, take those super uneven seitan slices and throw them in a ziplock bag. Then pour your marinade in there too and let out the excess air. Stick that baby in the fridge and clean up that mess you just made. Marinade the seitan for at least an hour. An hour and a half is where I landed. Time to make rice!

Get out your white rice and make as much of it as you want to have. Just remember to salt your water! Add a little bit of olive oil to your rice so it doesn’t stick to the pot.

Next, assuming an hour and some has gone by, put some olive oil in a cast iron (or regular pan) and bring the heat up high. Get your seitan out of the fridge and remove the pieces with tongs and put them in a bowl so your marinade is now separate from the seitan.

This next part will require you to move quickly because you will be searing the absolute shit out of your seitan.

When your pan is hot, add your seitan strips in and they will start sizzling right off the bat. Let them cook out before moving them around so nothing gets messed up. Add a little bit of marinade periodically onto the seitan and it will reduce and cook out, ensuring you end up with delicious, sticky seitan.

The marinade will reduce fairly quickly, so keep an eye on it.

Once your seitan is all cooked, give that first bowl a wipe and throw them back in there to rest for a second. Get your rice ready and add your cooked seitan directly onto the rice. Cut up some green onion and top your seitan with sesame seeds and that green onion. You did it!

Vegan Monte Cristo

January 02, 2020 by Joe Hehl

And now for something different: Monte Cristo, the holy grail of sandwiches? Perhaps. It’s sweet, savory and I don’t quite understand how it comes together as well as it does. It’s pretty much a French toast sandwich with ham, cheese, mayo and mustard…then it’s dusted with powdered sugar and served with jam.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can talk about the meaning of life. And sandwiches.

The Vegan Monte Cristo. It’s like a bougie ham and cheese sandwich without ham and cheese. Also a fun way to use Just Egg!

THE VEGAN
MONTE CRISTO

prep time: 10 minutes
cook time: 15 minutes

I still can’t think of a way to incorporate the phrase “flying circus” into this.

What you’ll need:

just egg
vegan butter
vegan ham
vegan cheese
vegan powdered sugar
vegan jam
vegan mayo
vegan mustard
vegan sandwich bread

Here’s a quick look at just about everything in the recipe. Not pictured: powdered sugar and jam.

First, it’s funny because I said vegan so many times instead of just relying on the implication. Take a container of Just Egg and give it a good shake and put it in a bowl. A bowl that a slice of bread can fit into comfortably. Next grab your ham and cheese slices and give those a shake too. Just kidding. Take a few slices of the ham/whatever and layer it one by one with slices of cheese. I used ham - cheese - ham - cheese - ham.

Next, mix up one part mustard to two parts mayo and set it aside for now. Heat up some butter in a pan on a medium flame and get your sandwich bread ready. You’re going to dredge the bread (quickly) in your Just Egg and then toss it in the pan a la French toast. Don’t keep the flame too high or your Just Egg will solidify in the pan. Also someone from Just, please sponsor me.

Cook it on each side, but don’t overcook it because it’s going back in the pan after a few more steps. Do this for as many sandwiches as you plan on making. I made two, so that’s four slices! Wow! Once you have your bread all French toasted up, let them rest for a quick second and then add your mayo/mustard mixture onto the inside of one slice. Add your ham and cheese layer and then the other bread. I just explained to you how to assemble a sandwich.

Here’s what the bread looks like once it’s out of the pan.

Next, you’re treating this as if it’s a grilled cheese. If you have a panini press, use that. You can use the same pan too if you’d like. I used a cast iron griddle and it worked great. Turn the flame to a medium setting and let the pan get to temperature. A trick I picked up from my girlfriend is to put a lid on the pan while your sandwich is cooking to help insure that the cheese melts properly. Thanks, Michelle.

It helps melt the cheese and now it looks like your sandwich is in a flying saucer!

Add a little bit of butter here and there into the pan while each side of the sandwich cooks. Flip it and keep doing it until everything looks properly cooked.

Plus you get those sexy lines if you use a press/griddle pan!

Once your sandwiches are all cooked. Sprinkle some powdered sugar on there and serve with a side of jam.

Look at that staging! I’d better get at least 20 likes on instagram. Incredible!

Now enjoy your bastard French toast grilled cheese!

Tomato Bisque

January 02, 2020 by Joe Hehl

Tomato bisque is like tomato soup but sounds fancier. Also there’s Oatly in this recipe so someone get me that Oatly sponsorship.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can talk about tomatoes and Oatly.

Tomato Bisque. Way fancier than tomato soup.

TOMATO BISQUE

prep time: 15 minutes
cook time: 35 minutes

This recipe is perfect for when you realize you bought way too many fucking tomatoes.

What you’ll need:

red onion (or shallot)
garlic
olive oil
tomatoes (five of them….or a can of tomatoes)
tomato paste
vegan creamer
carrots
baby bella mushrooms
salt
pepper
red pepper flakes
bay leaf
fresh thyme
oregano
parsley
oat flour
vegetable broth

First, dice up half a red onion. You can use a shallot if for some reason you have a shallot and no onion. Dice up some garlic too. Then dice up a bunch of mushrooms. Then peel like three or four carrots and dice those into small chunks too.

Decided to cut one more carrot up last minute!

I cut up way too many. Don’t use this many mushrooms for the love of god.

Heat up some olive oil in a pot on a medium flame. Add your onion (or shallot) and garlic into the pot, stirring to ensure nothing burns. Add your diced mushroom and carrot into the pot too. Add a little extra olive oil if need be. Add salt and pepper.

Add two tablespoons of tomato paste into the pot and stir.

Cut up your five tomatoes into quarters and add them into the pot too. Use a wooden spoon or something to help break them down as they cook. Bring the flame up a little bit and stir. You can used canned tomatoes as an alternative. Also I didn’t take pictures of this part, oops.

I like these guys. Use like half the container if you go this route.

Now that your tomatoes are all broken down and your pot looks like it could be a base for soup, transfer all the contents into a blender and pulse until smooth. Add the contents of your blender back into the pot and sieve 1/3 or so of a cup of oat flour into the pot. Keep stirring.

Add 32 ounces of vegetable broth into the pot and add a few sprigs of thyme and a bay leaf to your new liquid concoction. Add salt, pepper, red pepper flakes and oregano. Bring your pot to a boil. Once it starts bubbling, throw a lid on it and drop the flame so the soup can simmer until it gets real thicc.

While your soup is simmering, make yourself a grilled cheese. If you want. I used Violife provolone slices but I’m not gonna tell you how to make a grilled cheese.

Let your soup simmer for like twenty minutes and then throw some in a bowl for yourself. Don’t eat the thyme or bay leaf. Unless you really want to I guess. Add a little Oatly right into your bowl and top with some parsley because it looks nice. Also be sure to wash your parsley.

I couldn’t get the Oatly to do that cool white swirly thing but you feel me.

Swedish Not-Meatballs

December 27, 2019 by Joe Hehl

Swedish meatballs were invented by IKEA to sell furniture. Can you tell if the word köttbullar means “meatball” or “four piece dining room set?”

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can go to IKEA.

Swedish Not Meatballs. Swedish Meatless Balls didn’t sound as good.

SWEDISH NOT MEATBALLS

prep time: 20 minutes
cook time: 70 minutes

Also, lay those vegan orbs on top of some garlic butter rotini and you are all set. I’ll fit those directions in here too though the three ingredients are literally in the name.

This recipe will be broken up into three parts: the meatballs, the gravy and the pasta. Amen.

For parts one and two………

What you’ll need:

white onion
garlic
ground plant based meat stuff
vegan butter
olive oil
soy milk
white bread
salt
pepper
brown sugar
allspice
dried basil
flax seed
nutmeg
oat flour
vegetable broth

First, dice up a white onion and a whole bulb of garlic. Some of the garlic is going to end up in the pasta later so just get it ready now. These two things will make up two thirds of your mince components.

If your plant based ground meat stuff needs to be defrosted, make sure that it is defrosted.

I didn’t cut the garlic down yet, leave me alone.

In a pan, heat up some olive oil and throw your MINCED garlic and white onion in there. You want to caramelize both of these things without burning them. Add some salt and pepper into the pan. Once they are done cooking, set them aside for now.

Meatless Farms ground plant stuff. Use whatever brand you like best.

Take two slices of white bread and soak them in soy milk. Almond milk works fine too. Eventually, this too will get added to your mince. Okay I guess that’s more than three components.

You can take off the crusts if you want. I don’t mind them.

Now take your plant based ground meat stuff and add it to a bowl. If you have gloves, put gloves on. Ground the meat stuff down as much as possible. Take your onions and garlic and add them right into the mince. Please don’t burn your hands.

After you mix up your mince, remove your soggy bread from the soy milk and squeeze out the excess liquid and then mix that in there too. Again, you can leave the crust or remove it. Up to you.

In a small container, mix a flax seed with water. Two parts flax to water. Mix that up until it has an egg-like consistency. That will go in your mince too.

I didn’t say it was gonna look like eggs.

Add a heaping couple of spoonfuls of brown sugar to the mince as well as salt, pepper, nutmeg and allspice. Go heavy on the allspice.

Is Brown Sugar your favorite D’angelo album?

Now go ahead and mix up all that stuff if you haven’t already. Preheat your oven to 380°. First you’re going to sear the meatballs and then you will bake them through.

Next, you’re gonna roll up some meatballs. Lay out some parchment paper on a baking sheet. Roll up as many meatballs as you can from your mince. You can use a scoop if you’d like but I didn't mind leaving it out. Heat up some oil in a pan on a medium flame.

Doing a few at a time, place the meatballs in the oil to sear for a few minutes on each side. Make sure you don’t move them around in the pan otherwise you will lose your crust. Sear them as evenly as possible and then put right back onto the parchment paper. Continue doing this until they are all seared.

Vegan orbs swimming in radioactive fluid!

Now that all of your meatballs are seared, stick the whole baking sheet in the oven. Bake them for 30 minutes and check on them. If they need more time, put them back in for an extra 10-15 minutes.

Next, while your meatballs are baking, you can make your gravy. Using the same pan you just used, on a medium flame, add vegetable broth and brown sugar. Salt and pepper to taste. Bring the flame up a little bit and sieve some oat flour into the pan. Whisk like crazy until it thickens into a gravy like consistency. Drop the flame and let it simmer.

AND THEN as your meatballs are cooking, you can make your pasta. I used rotini for this recipe but you can use whatever you want. Cook your pasta according to the directions and be sure to salt your pasta water. Using some of your minced garlic from earlier, mix that up with some vegan butter in a separate dish and melt it down in a pan. I blended mine at the end to ensure maximum smoothness. You can too if you’d like.

Once your pasta is cooked, drain the water (except a little bit because keeping a little pasta water is important.) Put the pasta back in the pot and add olive oil and stir so it doesn’t stick to the pot. Add your garlic butter.

I added extra butter too. They’re buttered noodles damn it!

Now that your pasta is complete and your gravy is ready, check the status of your meatballs if they are still cooking. If they’re ready too, plate some of your pasta. Add some of your meatballs on top and throw some gravy on there. It’s the holidays, we aren’t counting calories until 2020.

Vegan Chicken Parm

December 26, 2019 by Joe Hehl

One day I was listening to Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, and they said apparently chicken parmesan is some kind of millennial aphrodisiac. Well this version is way sexier because it is meatless and dairy free.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can talk about Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me.

Vegan Chicken Parmesan. Also known as Vegan Chicky Chicky Parm Parm.

VEGAN CHICKEN PARMESAN

prep time: 20 minutes
cook time: 65 minutes

There aren’t as many pictures in this one but I’ll do my best to walk you through it. Serve this with spaghetti noodles…or don’t. But it’s better if you do.

This dish is relatively easy to make. The most time consuming aspect is constructing your sauce, but once you sauce is cooking, you can…..do other stuff.

What you’ll need:

white onion
garlic
vegan butter
olive oil
fresh basil
canned tomatoes
baby bella mushrooms
vegan parm
vegan mozz
gardein cutlets (two bags)
salt
pepper
red pepper flakes
oregano
dried basil
spaghetti

First, dice up a white onion and a whole bulb of garlic. Then heat up some olive oil in a big pot. Dice up a bunch of mushrooms too. Heat up a small pot with salted water and cook your spaghetti in there. Follow the directions on the package. Once your spaghetti is cooked, add olive oil and vegan butter. And then sprinkle some dried basil on there. NOW BACK TO THE PARM.

Like this. The mushrooms were chopped previously and bagged off.

Add your onion into the pot after your olive oil is of temperature. Let them brown and be sure not to burn them. After you see some color in the onions, add your garlic into the pot and stir them thangs up. Then once they get some color too, add your mushrooms in and keep stirring. Add salt and pepper to the pot.

Open your can of tomatoes, and add the entire can into the pot. Be sure to pull out any greenery that comes in the can, don’t add it to the pot. Stir the tomatoes and sauce thoroughly and bring your temperature up. Using a wooden spoon or something, start to crush the tomatoes as they cook so they blend more evenly into the sauce.

Here’s what it looks like only adding some of the tomatoes so you can see the base layer.

Add a generous amount of oregano and red pepper flakes into the pot. Dice up some fresh basil and add that directly into the sauce. All of these components will add fragrance and depth to your sauce. Once your sauce is bubbling from the temperature, put a lid on it and drop the flame to medium-low to simmer.

Next, while your sauce simmers, you can get your vegan chicken things ready and grate down some parm.

I used a brick of violife parm. Grate down lots of it.

As for your cutlets, I highly suggest these. They say turk’y but we making chick’y.

The directions on the Gardein cutlets say to bake them, but for this recipe you will be searing them in the pan.

Heat up some oil in a non-stick pan and add your cutlets. I was able to fit four in the pan at once. Do however many you feel comfortable keeping an eye on. Sear the cutlets on both sides and season with salt and pepper. The cutlets are going to get baked directly in the sauce later so the important part is that they are moderately crispy on each side.

Now that you have a bunch of cooked cutlets, you’re going to bring everything together in a cast iron skillet.

Next, add some oil into your cast iron and spread it out evenly so there aren’t any globs of oil in your skillet. Add your cutlets into the skillet and throw some of the grated parm on each one of them.

Now you’re going to transfer your sauce directly into the cast iron providing a delicious swimming pool of red sauce for your cutlets to swim in. Be sure to get some sauce underneath the cutlets as well. Preheat your oven to 400°. This part I don’t have pictures for so bear with me. Now you have a big skillet full of red sauce. Around the perimeter of the skillet, add like six knobs of vegan butter that will seep down the sides of the skillet while baking.

Put the whole skillet in the oven and cook uncovered for twenty minutes. After those twenty minutes, carefully pull the skillet out without burning yourself and stir the contents. Add pretty much an entire bag of vegan mozz on top of the contents of your skillet. Spread it as evenly as possible.

Throw the skillet back in the oven for twenty more minutes. Pull it out and stir it up again. This time add lots of grated vegan parm from earlier into the skillet. Put the skillet back in the oven for fifteen more minutes or more if it looks like it could use more time.

Starting to look better but still not done.

Keep an eye on your skillet and keep cooking if need be. At the end of baking it, switch your oven to a high broil setting and leave it in the oven for about three minutes. Just keep an eye on it so you don’t burn the shit out of everything. Remove the skillet carefully and let it cool down. After your broil, you should have a nice crust on top of your chicky parm. Add a little more of the grated parm on top of everything and fill your tummy with vegan chicken parm greatness.

Serve on a festive paper plate. Or just a regular plate.

Penne Alla Vodka

December 19, 2019 by Joe Hehl

This recipe has vodka in it so it’s technically a cocktail. And it’s pasta. A combination of two incredible things!

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can talk about pasta.

Penne Alla Vodka. Stirred, not shaken.

PENNE ALLA VODKA

prep time: 15 minutes
cook time: 30 minutes

No cashews required.

To reiterate, this dish is pretty easy to make and most of the time that goes into it is simmer time. So you can clean up whatever mess you make. This recipe will be split into two halves. The soup itself, and the bread that accompanies.

What you’ll need:

sweet onion
garlic
vegan butter
olive oil
penne
canned tomatoes
vodka (or vinegar)
soy milk
oat flour
salt
pepper
cayenne pepper
dried basil
fresh basil
mozz/parm (for topping)

First, dice up half of a white onion and a whole bulb of garlic. You can use less garlic if you want, but the more the better. Heat up some olive oil in a pan and toss in your onion and garlic. Add salt, pepper and cayenne and let them cook for a few. Stir frequently to prevent burning. Add half a cup of vodka into the pan and let the alcohol cook out for a few minutes. If you don’t wanna use vodka, you can use some kind of vinegar as a substitute.

You don’t have to dice them super fine, because they will end up in the blender. The vodka will take only about two minutes to cook out.

Next open your can of tomatoes, and add three cups right into the pan. Splash a little extra olive oil in there too. Stir up the whole mess so your tomatoes cook out.

You could just stop the recipe here and enjoy a deconstructed Bloody Mary!

Add some dried basil and continue to stir. Once your mixture looks….mixed, throw all of the contents of your pan into a blender. Throw a few leaves of fresh basil in there too.

Pulse the contents of your blender until it reaches the desired consistency you want. I went extra smooth but having some texture in there won’t hurt.

Leave your newly blended red soup in the container for now.

Next, you can cook your pasta. Follow the directions on your penne and don’t forget to salt your water when you boil it. Once they are cooked, drain the pasta but leave some of the water in the pot and put your penne back in there. Add a generous splash of olive oil to prevent the pasta from sticking to the pot.

Next, you’re going to make a roux and the second part of your sauce. This will act as the heavy cream/cashew/whatever substitute and bring some real thiccness to your sauce. If you don’t want the sauce super thicc, cut the amounts in half. Personally, I made it quite thicc. THICC.

After your pan is cooled off, give it a good wipe and get all the tomato junk out of there. Once it’s clean, add a big ol’ knob of vegan butter in there along with a splash of olive oil. Using a sieve, add an equal amount of oat flour right into the pan and STIR! STIR! STIR! To reiterate for the thousandth time, always sieve your flour to prevent clumping.

Once your roux looks like that, heat up a cup of soy milk in the microwave for like 30 seconds. Almond or oat will work fine, coconut will be too sweet. Once it’s warm, add it little by little into the pan and keep stirring. You warm the soy milk up some so your mixture doesn't just harden up right off the bat.

Now, go find the blender contents of tomato juice you made earlier and whisk that right into your pan as well. Do this on a medium-low flame and gradually bring the temperature up.

Now take your penne and add it directly into the sauce and stir til everything is coated evenly.

Simmer the pasta in the sauce for a little bit and chop down from of that fresh basil. If you have mozz/parm on hand, grate that and use them both for topping. You can use parsley too if you’d like.

Now you can eat your pasta and pair it with bread because you know what goes well with carbs? More carbs.

French Onion Soup

December 10, 2019 by Joe Hehl

I continue to be a major advocate for soup because one, it’s soup and who doesn’t like soup? Two, it’s very passive to make and you can clean as you go.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can talk about bread.

French Onion Soup. Or as they call it in France, “Onion Soup.”

FRENCH ONION SOUP

prep time: 15 minutes
cook time: 35 minutes

But for real, do they just call it “onion soup?”

What you’ll need:

sweet onion
garlic
vegan butter
olive oil
vegan mozz
vegetable broth
red vermouth (or red wine…or balsamic vinegar)
bouillon (optional)
salt
pepper
thyme
bay leaf
oat flour
molasses (optional)

First, dice up a white onion. The whole thing. Try not to cry. After that, peel a bulb of garlic and chop that up too. Get out a big pot and add enough olive oil to coat the bottom.

You vs. the guy she tells you not to worry about. Just kidding, she loves you.

Once your oil is hot, add all of your onion into the pot. Be sure to stir frequently so your onions don’t burn. Add a big chunk of vegan butter into the pot and let it cook together for a few. Once everything starts to brown, add your garlic into the pot. Stir that up so the garlic cooks and your onion doesn’t burn. Drop the flame a little bit now.

Once your garlic/onion/oil/butter mixture is nice and cooked, add a generous splash of red vermouth. You can use red wine if you have a bottle open or balsamic vinegar if you don’t have either of the aforementioned. Have your oat flour ready,.

Don’t use the cheap stuff either, churn out the extra few bucks and get a nice bottle.

Let your vermouth/wine/balsamic cook out for a minute and then sieve a few tablespoons of oat flour directly into the pot. This will thiccen that boy up and leave your soup with some texture after you add your broth.

Once your flour is added, you should have a nice gravy-esque thing going on in your pot. Add salt, pepper and thyme into the pot.

I suppose somehow this could double as a gravy recipe. Writing that down for later.

Next, you are going to add your broth into the pot and turn that gravy into soup. If you have 32oz containers, use two of them. 64 oz of broth will go into this thing. Bring your temperature up so you can bring the broth to a boil. Add more salt, pepper and a couple tablespoons of nutritional yeast.

In a separate dish, add a knob of butter, some olive oil and a generous clump of vegan mozz. Put that into the microwave for 30 seconds to soften it up. You can then add this mixture right into the soup to ensure it mixes smoothly.

Melty stuff ready to be added to the pot.

Add that mixture into the pot and then toss a bay leaf in there and a cube of bouillon. Add a little molasses too if you have some. Give it a good stir and when it starts to boil, put a lid on it and drop the temperature so that thing can simmer out.

While your soup is simmering, preheat your oven to 350°. The second half of this recipe will be the bread and soup toppings.

What you’ll need:

french bread
olive oil
vegan mozz
salt
parsley (or green onion)

Cut your bread into slices and get out a baking sheet. Add some oil to the sheet and lay your slices on there. Add some oil to the top of the bread slices and then add a big clump of vegan mozz onto each one. Add a little bit more olive oil and salt onto each one.

Tip: Using an olive oil spray for this part works wondrously.

Put your bread in the oven for 15 minutes. While your bread cooks, sample the soup and see if it needs any extra loving. Once the fifteen minutes is up, switch the oven over to broil for a couple of minutes. Keep a very close eye on the bread once your oven is broiling to ensure you don’t burn anything.

Pop your bread out of the oven without burning yourself and let them cool down.

Chop down a little bit of parsley or green onion to garnish your soup with. Make sure to wash your parsley if necessary.

Lastly, put your soup into a bowl, throw some of your cheesy bread in there along with a few leaves of parsley. Or green onion. Don’t eat the bay leaf.

Vegan Popeyes Sandwich

December 09, 2019 by Joe Hehl

Don’t like waiting in lines? Don’t eat meat? Perfect. If Popeye gets a reboot in 2020, he’ll be eating these instead of spinach.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can debate over which streaming service will get the rights to the Popeye cartoons.

The Plant Based Popeye Sandwich. Popeye didn’t get swoll eating meat.

PLANT BASED POPEYE

prep time: 20 minutes
cook time: 20 minutes

I’ve used the word vegan a whole bunch, plant based rolls off the tongue easier here.

All in all, this is a pretty quick sandwich to put together. The “chicken” is made of oyster mushrooms. Pickles and chipotle mayo on a toasted bun with butter. There isn’t even spinach on this thing. Poser.

What you’ll need:

oyster mushrooms
oat flour
soy milk (unsweetened almond is fine)
apple cider vinegar
salt
pepper
onion powder
garlic powder
adobo
cayenne pepper
olive oil

First, you’re going to get your flour started. Sieve oat flour into one bowl. Always sieve to prevent clumping. In another bowl, add soy milk and a generous splash of apple cider vinegar. Whisk up that one and let it sit for a second until it starts to curdle some. This will function as your buttermilk. Take a pinch of the flour and put it into your buttermilk. Stir.

Two bowls, one for the plug and one for the load.

Take a couple teaspoons each of salt, pepper, adobo, cayenne, onion powder, and garlic powder and add it directly to your mushrooms as well as your flour. You want all of these flavors to carry through your batter.

In a small pot, heat up some oil and add a little salt.

Take your oyster mushrooms and remove obnoxious stems as needed. They are very chewy and not the texture you’re going to want on a sandwich. Coat them one by one in dry flour, then into the buttermilk and then back into the dry flour. Set them on a plate for now while your oil heats up.

Once you have the mushrooms all coated, add one into the pot to fry. It’s easier to do these one by one and in a pot rather than a pan to minimize mess and oil usage. Fry them on each side, until they are golden brown and then set aside.

Mind the dirty stove, had a little oil fly out of there.

Once you’ve gotten through each of your mushrooms, sprinkle a little bit of cayenne pepper and black pepper right on top of them.

Some of those stems will get chopped off.

Next, you are going to prepare your chipotle mayo. There are a few ways to approach this, so it’s however you want to do it. If you want to mix mayo with chipotle hot sauce, that works. If you wanna boil down some chiles and stuff and mix it with mayo, that works too. If you want to make mayo yourself out of cashews and the aforementioned, that might take a while but you can do that too. I chose option two because I had chiles, garlic and onion on hand. No cashews though.

If you do it this method (recommended) — here is….

What you’ll need:

garlic
onion
apple cider vinegar
salt
dried ancho chiles
olive oil

Peel some garlic, dice up a little onion and remove the stem from your ancho chile. Take the seeds out of the pepper so you don’t burn your mouth off.

In a new pot, add olive oil and bring the heat up. Add your onion, garlic and ancho into the oil and let everything cook and blister for a minute. Add a splash of apple cider vinegar. Once everything looks browned, add a big splash of water and bring the contents to a boil. This will soften everything and ensure a smooth blending.

Here is a somewhat blurry picture of those things.

Drop the flame and add the contents to a blender. Pulse until smooth and then let cool down. This will eventually get mixed with your store bought mayo because cashew mayo takes too much time.

That color will get toned down once you add mayo, but still looks pretty cool.

Make a mixture of one part chipotle to two parts mayo. Or half and half, whatever.

Next, your sandwich is almost done — all you have to do is toast your buns and get pickles out of your fridge.

What you’ll need:

hamburger buns
butter
sandwich pickles

You can use the same pot you made your chipotle sauce in. Assuming it’s dry, add a knob of butter into the pot and throw your bun in there. My pot only allowed me to do one at a time. Coat the buns as evenly as you can and be sure the inside halves get nice and crispy.

Once your buns are ready to do, add your chipotle mayo to each bun, put a few pickles on there and add your fried oyster mushrooms. I hope you aren’t counting calories. Agagagagagagaga.

I will gladly pay you tomorrow for a sandwich today!

Teriyaki Tofu Fried Rice

December 02, 2019 by Joe Hehl

Fried rice. It’s simple to make and it’s a good way to clean some stuff out of your fridge. Also it’s very colorful and aesthetically pleasing. That’s all I got.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can talk about how ribboning your carrots is cooler than just cutting them up.

Teriyaki Tofu Fried Rice. Look at all the colors!

TERIYAKI TOFU FRIED RICE

prep time: 15 minutes
cook time: 25 minutes

I didn’t have peas so peas forgive me.

Gonna lay out what you’ll need for this recipe. You can interchange things as you peas. The teriyaki sauce stuff will be separate.

What you’ll need:

rice (I used basmati)
extra firm tofu
olive oil
salt
pepper
garlic
onion
carrot
broccoli
red cabbage
peas (I guess)
green onion
toasted sesame seeds
sriracha

First, you’re going to press your tofu. This part is always important so it doesn’t get soggy and gross when it cooks. Wrap it up in some paper towels and place something heavy on top of it.

While the tofu is being pressed, you can get your rice going and start to dice up your vegetables.

Bring a small pot of water to a boil. Add salt to the water. Always do one part rice to two parts water. Periodically test the rice to make sure it cooks properly. Stir just as periodically.

Peel and chop up some garlic. The more the better. Then some red onion. Chop up some broccoli. If you bought florets, just trim them down a little so you don’t get a mouth full of broccoli later. Chop up some red cabbage. Next, peel a carrot. One large one should be enough. After your carrot is peeled, you’re going to keep peeling it. Ribboned carrots look way cooler in the dish.

Wow look how ribbony those carrots look.

Your rice is probably good to go, so toss it in a strainer and then back in the pot. Add a little olive oil to it so it doesn't stick to the pot. Add salt, pepper and red pepper flakes right into the rice.

Next, you’re going to get your tofu and your teriyaki sauce ready. Cut the tofu down into nice, little cubes. Set them aside for a moment. Teriyaki ingredients are as follows.

What you’ll need:

coconut aminos
peanut butter
brown sugar
sriracha paste
turmeric
garlic powder
miso paste
store bought teriyaki sauce (we’re doubling down)

Into a small container, add a generous amount of coconut aminos and one part teriyaki sauce. I used the soyaki stuff from Trader Joe’s. I just wanted more sauce, you feel me. Add sriracha paste, turmeric, garlic powder and peanut butter into the container.

The peanut butter is going to be hard to break down by stirring and there’s no sense in getting the blender dirty. Throw your mixture in the microwave for 45 seconds and it will help break down the peanut butter and make it easier to stir.

Add a teaspoon or so of miso paste and then a teaspoon of brown sugar into the mixture and stir the rest up.

Now that your teriyaki sauce is ready to go, you’re gonna cook your tofu. Oil a pan/wok and heat it up to a medium flame. Add your tofu and then add salt, pepper and red pepper flakes. Let each side cook out thoroughly and then you’re going to bring the heat up to high and really sear each side. You want your tofu to be extra crispy because you’re going to douse it in teriyaki sauce shortly.

Once your tofu is cooked, set them aside into a bowl to rest for a minute. Bring the flame down back to medium on your pan and let it get to temperature. Take your teriyaki sauce and pour it directly over your tofu and toss it around. Don’t use all your teriyaki because more will go into the pan soon.

Now that your pan is at a lower temp, add your onion and garlic with a little bit of olive oil. Sesame oil works too. Once they start to brown, add your broccoli and your cabbage. Now add your tofu and give it all a good stirring.

Now you can add your rice right in there too. You probably won’t have to use all of the rice you made, I overshot it a little bit.

Keep stirring and add more of your teriyaki sauce right into the pan to get all the rice covered. Add your carrots in there too now.

Ribbons! You could add peas now too if you peas.

Lastly, you can bring the heat up some and let everything cook out a little more. Stir frequently so your rice doesn’t get clumpy. After everything looks correct, kill the flame and get your garnishes ready. Dice up some green onion and dig the sriracha out of your fridge. If you have toasted sesame seeds, grab those too.

Put your fried rice mixture into a bowl, top with green onion, sesame seeds and sriracha.