Remember those weird pizza puff things you could order off the sides menu at fast food joints and bowling alleys? The $2.75 side dish special. Well, here’s how to make that greasy monster vegan. And no, it’s not a calzone. Calzones are baked.

As always, if you dig this recipe, tag me at @draggedthroughthegarden on instagram and we can talk about bowling alley food.

The Vegan Pizza Puff. Absolutely filthy. I mean look at it.

IMG_0128 2.jpg — THE VEGAN

PIZZA PUFF

prep time: 5 minutes
cook time: 15 minutes

How elegantly disheveled!

This recipe requires you to roll out some puff pastry, add seasonings and pizza sauce. Then cheese and whatever else you want. And then fry the ever-loving shit out of it.

To start, you’re going to get your pastry ready.

What you’ll need:

puff pastry
pizza sauce (or homemade)
salt
pepper
oregano
garlic powder
onion powder
red pepper flakes
vegan cheese shreds (I used mozz)
beyond sausage (use whatever you want)

Feel free to make your own sauce but I’m going for speed and convenience here.

As the picture above implies, first you are going to dice up whatever protein you want to shove inside of this thing. I used beyond sausage and tossed a little bit of salt on it.

Unwrap your puff pastry either onto one of those cool slip-mats or onto some parchment paper. Roll it out with a rolling pin and cut it long way. You know, hot dog. From there, cut one third off of each long piece of pastry. You are going to build the pizza puff on the center and then wrap the sides over itself.

This one is a little larger because I wanted to make a giant one for the sake of making a giant one.

Basically your pastry will be half the size of pictured above. Unless you want a giant one, then by all means - proceed! Add your seasonings onto the pastry like pictured and then plop your sauce in the middle. Then add your vegan cheese and sausage/whatever. Also there are two containers of red pepper flakes up there.

Fold the dry side over the sauce, and then fold the other side over that. Kinda like a wallet. Maybe. Press the edges down with a fork so nothing leaks out. The next step is to fry it.

Now again, this is a bit larger than traditionally.

Next, you’re going to fry this ungodly thing.

What you’ll need:

canola oil
a tolerance for grease

In a small pot (that will comfortable accommodate this puff) — add enough canola oil to submerge the puff pastry. Then bring the heat up to medium-low. Once your oil is of temperature, add the pastry into the oil and be careful not to get splashed by hot oil.

Now remember, this thing is not healthy at all as you have hopefully realized.

You want to keep the flame low so you don’t completely scorch the pastry itself. It should take you about five minutes to cook on each side. Flip with tongs. You want them golden brown and if it doesn’t appear to be cooking, raise the temperature ever-so-gently to a medium flame. I don’t have a thermometer.

Once each side is cooked to a lovely, flaky golden brown — remove the puff from the oil and set on a rack to dry.

After a few minutes, serve alongside french fries, pop and maybe wii bowling or something.

Look at how delightfully awful this looks!